The Long Kiss Goodnight is an ungainly hybrid, wherein a lean, mean Cold War thriller mingles with a big, dumb 90s action epic. Every scene practically dares you take it seriously, and that’s a game of chicken I can promise you’ll lose. How well you can tolerate this film’s shameless silliness will determine your own star rating. If you can vibe into Goodnight‘s over-the-top set pieces and cheeseball one-liners, then my three stars will do nicely. On the other hand, think too hard about anything in this movie and that score will plummet in a hurry.
Goodnight‘s story bears strong resemblance to the Jason Bourne franchise. Much like Matt Damon’s superspy, Samantha Caine (Geena Davis) lives with no memory of her real self. Eight years prior the events of this film, Caine washed ashore in Jersey, suffering from total amnesia and a few weeks pregnant. But where Bourne immediately embarks on a relentless quest to uncover the truth of his existence, Caine begins to forge a new life for herself. She becomes a schoolteacher in a small Pennsylvania town, finds a serious boyfriend (Tom Amandes), and embraces her role as a new mom.
Of course, Caine hasn’t completely given up on her backstory. She’s hired countless PI’s to sniff around for clues on her real identity. Most of those searches have lead to dead ends, but now Mitch Perkins (Samuel L. Jackson) discovers a paper trail. Perkins is an ex-cop with such loose morals, when he shows up with a toy for his son, his wife just assumes it is stolen. (It is.) With Caine’s sad story, Perkins finally sees the chance to do a good deed.
Meanwhile, in a coincidence that can only be chalked up to awkward screenwriting, more of Caine’s past begins to emerge. After she bonks her head in a car accident, snippets of her prior skills and lost personality bubble to the surface. As she cooks dinner, Caine suddenly finds she has Rambo-style command of the kitchen knives. Profanity begins to creep into her formerly G-rated vernacular. She even starts to smoke! Put all this together, and it’s clear that Samantha Caine is not the person she seems.
Just wait–the coincidences are still coming. A brief clip of Caine at the local Christmas parade runs on the local news, tipping off old enemies that she has survived. With that, a platoon of oily sleazeballs launches into action and attempts to wipe Caine off the books for good.
Turns out, Samantha Caine was just an alias for Charly Baltimore. Charly was an icy, blonde assassin for a shadowy government agency. For the balance of the film, she must figure out why these men after her, and what their evil plans are. At the same time, Charly must protect the people in her new life from falling victim to her old one.
Most of that plot is just an excuse for an escalating series of wacky action set pieces. Writer Shane Black (Lethal Weapon, The Last Boy Scout) starts fairly small, with kitchen knife fights and lo-fi chase scenes in the first half of the film. Then, as the film builds to a big third act, Black cranks his silliness to a full boil, with exploding bridges and semis at Niagara Falls. By this point, the plot goes completely off the rails, the laws of physics are out the window, and you’ll have rolled your eyes at least three times.
With all that said, nobody who knows anyone involved in this production is gonna stream it and expect A Passage to India. With Black and director Renny Harlin (Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger), you’re signing up for two hours of disposable entertainment. And, love it or hate it, that’s exactly what this film delivers.
If you do love The Long Kiss Goodnight, then the lead performances probably have a lot to do with that. Davis and Jackson are visibly having a blast with their characters, and their enthusiasm is infectious. (Both actors have noted this movie as a highlight of their careers.) Davis, in particular, clearly relishes the transformation into Charly, replete with husky one-liners and a cigarette dangling from her mouth. Jackson adds oomph and likability to his plucky sidekick, a role that would’ve otherwise been fairly pat. Beyond them, however, is a horde of one-dimensional supporting players. Craig Bierko’s psycho henchman is all smirks and scowls, and spends most of the film barking cryptic orders into a cell phone. David Morse is wasted as a sketchy spy contact. That goes double ditto for Brian Cox as a retired handler. (Cox does get one memorable monologue about a dog licking itself.)
Unfortunately, The Long Kiss Goodnight‘s biggest flaw goes beyond the cardboard side roles. In the story’s second half, Black waffles between Charly plunging back into spy life and still caring about Caine’s makeshift family. Her switch from La Femme Nikita back to caring mom is clunky, rushed, and never believable. As a result, the emotional stakes of the film’s big action finale never feel earned. This has the effect of draining a fair amount of the movie’s suspense.
That misstep almost torpedoes The Long Kiss Goodnight, but not quite. This is still a funny, outsized spectacle. It’s no surprise that such an odd, uneven action-comedy tanked at the box office. At the same time, it’s also no shock that Goodnight has built a durable cult following. On repeat viewings, the film’s unapologetic weirdness grows strangely endearing. If you’re looking for an atypical flick to stream over Christmas–when much of the film is set–The Long Kiss Goodnight one might be worth a look.
120 minutes. Pluto. R.
