Halloween Ends (2022)::rating::1::rating::1::rating::1

H alloween Ends exists as both blessing and curse. The blessing is, as the title suggests, it does indeed end. The curse is everything else about it. For 111 godless, joyless, hopeless minutes, this movie fizzles and stinks, like some unlucky bug in a zapper. Most of the plot exists to subject its characters to…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 20, 20220Comments

The Archive The Podcast

The Witch (2015)::rating::3

R ight from the jump, let me be clear: I admire the hell out of The Witch. The performances are raw and real. Writer-director Robert Eggers spends 92 minutes bringing his teapot to a boil, and rewards his patient audience with a wickedly disturbing finale. Compared to most of the schlock out there, this is Masterpiece Theater. You're…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 18, 20220Comments

The Latest

Meet Cute (2022)::rating::2.5

M ovies have long depicted the cosmos meddling in affairs of the heart, so it's refreshing to see a character actually meddling back. Meet Cute is a premise that could've yielded a minor classic--indeed, it already has: Palm Springs, Andy Samberg's sardonic time-loop rom-com, is smarter, sillier, and more infectiously audacious than this movie could ever…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 13, 20220Comments

The Archive The Podcast

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)::rating::3.5

T he Return of the Living Dead nails all the ingredients of a perfect Halloween movie: It's trashy, but funny. Silly, yet smart. Self-aware, but never obnoxiously so. For 91 minutes, writer-director Dan O'Bannon (co-writer of the deadly serious Alien) invites us to devour his cinematic bag of junk food, and we're all the better for…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 11, 20220Comments

The Latest

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2022)::rating::4

I t's not often a movie presents us with a completely new creation, but here we are: Marcel the Shell totters on what looks like two little troll doll feet. His single googly eye darts around, as if peering out of an imaginary periscope. He speaks in the high voice of a child, but with…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 7, 20220Comments

The Latest

Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)::rating::2.5

W here the Crawdads Sing builds a preposterous murder mystery alongside a preposterous coming-of-age story, and hopes that one will distract you from the other. In fact, this film is so stilted and uneven, sheer ludicrousness is the only thing it does consistently well. Delia Owens' novel has millions of fans, and undoubtedly the story's…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 6, 20220Comments

The Archive The Podcast

War of the Worlds (2005)::rating::3.5

B urned-out buildings billow smoke into a sunless sky. Soot-stained victims, their faces frozen in shock, stagger into the streets and call out for loved ones. In the distance, screams and sirens pierce the air, only to be punctuated by some unknown rumbling. While War of the Worlds never directly references the 9/11 attacks, the unhinged fear…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 4, 20220Comments

Laughable The Podcast

Mean Guns (1997)::rating::1.5

M ean Guns resembles the kind of movie Quentin Tarantino would've made if he'd grown up under power lines. The filmmakers desperately try to mimic QT's edgy dialogue and operatic flourishes of gun violence, but they just don't have the geeky swagger and...well, competence to pull any of it off. This results in the bad karaoke version…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 27, 20220Comments

The Latest

Confess, Fletch (2022)::rating::3.5

L et me begin this review with a confession of my own: I couldn't have been less enthusiastic about a reboot of the Fletch franchise. The two original films made such perfect use of Chevy Chase's prickly sarcasm, it was difficult to imagine anyone matching them for weightless fun. Plus, Hollywood has spent so long strip-mining…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 24, 20220Comments

The Archive The Podcast

Point Break (1991)::rating::4

F or 122 minutes, Point Break hurtles across the screen in a flash of unadulterated silliness. Its premise is off the wall. The dialogue often descends into New Age hooey, soaked in testosterone. Many of its action scenes throw up a middle finger to the laws of physics. On paper, nothing about Point Break should distinguish it as a…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 21, 20220Comments