The Return of the Living Dead (1985)::rating::3.5::rating::3.5::rating::3.5

T he Return of the Living Dead nails all the ingredients of a perfect Halloween movie: It's trashy, but funny. Silly, yet smart. Self-aware, but never obnoxiously so. For 91 minutes, writer-director Dan O'Bannon (co-writer of the deadly serious Alien) invites us to devour his cinematic bag of junk food, and we're all the better for…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 11, 20220Comments

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Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2022)::rating::4

I t's not often a movie presents us with a completely new creation, but here we are: Marcel the Shell totters on what looks like two little troll doll feet. His single googly eye darts around, as if peering out of an imaginary periscope. He speaks in the high voice of a child, but with…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 7, 20220Comments

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Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)::rating::2.5

W here the Crawdads Sing builds a preposterous murder mystery alongside a preposterous coming-of-age story, and hopes that one will distract you from the other. In fact, this film is so stilted and uneven, sheer ludicrousness is the only thing it does consistently well. Delia Owens' novel has millions of fans, and undoubtedly the story's…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 6, 20220Comments

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War of the Worlds (2005)::rating::3.5

B urned-out buildings billow smoke into a sunless sky. Soot-stained victims, their faces frozen in shock, stagger into the streets and call out for loved ones. In the distance, screams and sirens pierce the air, only to be punctuated by some unknown rumbling. While War of the Worlds never directly references the 9/11 attacks, the unhinged fear…

ByTodd WoffordOctober 4, 20220Comments

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Mean Guns (1997)::rating::1.5

M ean Guns resembles the kind of movie Quentin Tarantino would've made if he'd grown up under power lines. The filmmakers desperately try to mimic QT's edgy dialogue and operatic flourishes of gun violence, but they just don't have the geeky swagger and...well, competence to pull any of it off. This results in the bad karaoke version…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 27, 20220Comments

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Confess, Fletch (2022)::rating::3.5

L et me begin this review with a confession of my own: I couldn't have been less enthusiastic about a reboot of the Fletch franchise. The two original films made such perfect use of Chevy Chase's prickly sarcasm, it was difficult to imagine anyone matching them for weightless fun. Plus, Hollywood has spent so long strip-mining…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 24, 20220Comments

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Point Break (1991)::rating::4

F or 122 minutes, Point Break hurtles across the screen in a flash of unadulterated silliness. Its premise is off the wall. The dialogue often descends into New Age hooey, soaked in testosterone. Many of its action scenes throw up a middle finger to the laws of physics. On paper, nothing about Point Break should distinguish it as a…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 21, 20220Comments

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Pinocchio (2022)::rating::2.5

O kay, everyone. Let's get the rant over with: In recent years, Disney has taken one beloved title after another, blown off the dust, and dry-humped each one until more money fell out. The new Aladdin was an ungainly farce. The Lion King--which, by my math, cost $33,000 per second--shamelessly xeroxed the original, right down to the…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 19, 20220Comments

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Beast (2022)::rating::2.5

B east is a B-movie, built on the chassis of a much better and more ambitious production. It's got hunky Idris Elba punching a lion right in the jaw. It's got Sharlto Copley, that great actor from District 9, looking like he's ready to hunt velociraptors. Listen to the dialogue a little too carefully, and you…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 15, 20220Comments

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Over the Top (1987)::rating::3

O ver the Top is a strange, coked-out fever dream of a movie, replete with arm wrestling montages and pounding 80s power ballads. Everybody's drenched in sweat, whether they're the wrestlers, the audience, the waitress in a diner, or even the wimpy little kid. By the end, I had beads streaking down my own forehead.…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 14, 20220Comments