Pinocchio (2022)::rating::2.5::rating::2.5::rating::2.5

O kay, everyone. Let's get the rant over with: In recent years, Disney has taken one beloved title after another, blown off the dust, and dry-humped each one until more money fell out. The new Aladdin was an ungainly farce. The Lion King--which, by my math, cost $33,000 per second--shamelessly xeroxed the original, right down to the…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 19, 20220Comments

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Beast (2022)::rating::2.5

B east is a B-movie, built on the chassis of a much better and more ambitious production. It's got hunky Idris Elba punching a lion right in the jaw. It's got Sharlto Copley, that great actor from District 9, looking like he's ready to hunt velociraptors. Listen to the dialogue a little too carefully, and you…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 15, 20220Comments

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Over the Top (1987)::rating::3

O ver the Top is a strange, coked-out fever dream of a movie, replete with arm wrestling montages and pounding 80s power ballads. Everybody's drenched in sweat, whether they're the wrestlers, the audience, the waitress in a diner, or even the wimpy little kid. By the end, I had beads streaking down my own forehead.…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 14, 20220Comments

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The Queen (2006)::rating::5

"I declare that my whole life, rather it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service." I t would, of course, be an unusually long life in which Queen Elizabeth II would give her all in service. Fifteen prime ministers and fourteen U.S. presidents would come and go during her reign. The Cold…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 9, 20220Comments

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Man of the House (1995)::rating::1.5

I magine a rusty old Buick, sitting in a junk yard. Next, picture it slipping into neutral, and its old wheels creaking forward. The car lurches, helplessly and aimlessly, until it thunks into a nearby tree. There it settles, destined to spend an eternity as a moldering pile of uselessness. Now, take that pitiful momentum…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 7, 20220Comments

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Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)::rating::4

I'll tell you right out--I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk." Sydney Greenstreet in The Maltese Falcon T hat quote popped in my head during Three Thousand Years of Longing, as the film centers on two people hungry for dialogue. Over the course of two hours, stories become their currency. Alithea (Tilda…

ByTodd WoffordSeptember 3, 20220Comments

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The Bad Guys (2022)::rating::3.5

T he Bad Guys continues a long movie tradition of flipping career villains into reluctant heroes. Based on the kid's book series by Aaron Blabey, this cute little animated story imagines a world where a clique of fairy-tale heavies form a cheeky little Ocean's 11 squad of master thieves. And like every thief in every heist…

ByTodd WoffordAugust 31, 20220Comments

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Demolition Man (1993)::rating::3.5

F ew movies have blended smart and stupid with the meticulous alchemy of Demolition Man. A careless eye might take a casual look at the clichéd poster and trailers and see another idiotic blockbuster. And yes, Sly Stallone blows shit up and delivers cute one-liners con brio. At the same time, a streak of cleverness runs through Demolition…

ByTodd WoffordAugust 30, 20220Comments

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Back to the Future (1985)::rating::5

G reat movies often have a way of finding us at just the right time in our lives. We discover them when we're meant to. I found Back to the Future as a dorky little nine-year-old boy. Between the special effects, the music, and the one-liners ("What's with the life preserver, kid?"), I was instantly hooked.…

ByTodd WoffordAugust 24, 20220Comments

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Elvis (2022)::rating::3

E lvis Presley occupies such massive and precious real estate in pop culture mythology, you could build several movies from his life and still not cover all the surface area. As an American icon, Elvis simultaneously represents our greatest greatness and deepest of tragedies: Look long within his legend, and you'll find heartbreaking hints of…

ByTodd WoffordAugust 21, 20220Comments